1) The first rule of the Man Cave is that you don’t write clever introductions regarding the Man Cave.
The reason for this is
2) The second rule of the Man Cave is that ______ without Caves aren’t Men.
They aren’t even Women. Women have Every Other Room in the House. And because they’ve displayed craftiness and dominance by procuring control of Every Other Room in the House, we thus honor them with the capitalization of “Women.” But ______ who cannot commandeer even one measly room are not worthy of being called “Men.” They are not even “Boys.” Boys have their own rooms, in which they hang model space shuttles and X-Wing fighters from the ceiling and Transformers posters (Megan Fox posters can go up later because she was in Transformers too) on the walls. Such rooms are miniature Man-Caves-In-Training, and thus count. _____ without Caves get no such recognition. They get no name, no title. They get a blank line (illustrated like this: _____, because “blank line” takes too long to type). They aren’t even on par with those Star Trek crew members in the red shirts who always end up dying when they beam down with Captain Kirk. They at least earned the title “Red-Shirt-Star-Trek-Crew-Members.” In order to perish so gloriously in the first place, they must have first nourished their internal fortitude in their personal quarters on the Enterprise. Little Man Caves in space.
3) The third rule of Man Caves is that trophies must be displayed and bragged about.
In high school I lettered in football and wrestling. I lost most of my wrestling medals over the years but I kept just one, and there’s a good reason why. During a tournament match, I took a bad spill and slammed my left hand fingers-first into a hardwood gym floor, which resulted in the ligament being torn off the upper metacarpal of my pinkie. The coach snapped my pinkie straight, taped it to my other fingers, and pushed me back out onto the mat, where I won the match. One surgery, an inch-long metal pin (screwed lengthwise right through the center of my metacarpal to the middle pinkie knuckle), and a cast-that-reached-up-to-my-elbow later, I officially lettered in Dodgeland High School varsity wrestling. Now I told you I had a good reason for keeping that medal… it’s this: in gym class that spring, the pin in my finger became ensnared in a volleyball net while the class was trying to set it up for practice. They straightened the poles, the net went taut, and—twang!—the pin was ripped out of my finger and went sailing across the gym. One of my friends found it and handed it over, and I used it to pin the medal more securely to my varsity letter, because all of my other medals had inefficient pins, and thus kept falling off, and that’s why I don’t have them today! But that pin… pure stainless steel, baby! I actually thought about using it as a nail to hang up my framed Megan Fox poster, but then everybody would look at Megan and not the pin, and I wouldn’t be able to brag. So I used it to nail my high school letterman’s jacket to the wall instead. It holds to this day.
4) The fourth rule of the Man Cave is that the Man Cave must contain something you built.
I haven’t followed this one myself yet but I’m working on it. What I’m going to do first, see, is locate an authentic mammoth skull, complete with the Neanderthal-era spear that killed it still sticking out of its eye-socket. But then I’m going to rig up the spear so it becomes a lever, and when you pull on it the tusk opposite of it will dispense ice-cold Mountain Dew. Is that the most awesome thing you’ve ever heard of or what! And I’ll tell you something else that mammoth skull is going to dispense… it’ll dispense with any doubt whatsoever that I possess the engineering skill to pull it off! I also plan to build a pneumatic soda can tube. This should start next to the refrigerator and end up by your Man Cave Chair (see upcoming Rule #6). If the fridge is in another room, this is how you stay in shape… by racing the soda can back to the chair. Ideally however, the refrigerator should be right next to your Chair, but the pneumatic tube itself should circle the Man Cave before ending up back where it started. Then you grab a ‘Dew, drop it in, watch it circle the Cave and end up in your other hand, and triumphantly cackle with glee! You built it, after all, and triumphant cackling is called for!
5) The Fifth Rule of the Man Cave is that it must contain the following five Man-Movies:
Each of these movies has a deep moral lesson on what it means to be a Man. When your Man-Friends are going through a rough time and have been somewhat stripped of their Manhood, you can watch these movies with them, to remind them of what they were, are, and still yet may be. And that way you don’t have to talk about your feelings.
6) The sixth rule of the Man Cave is that your Man Cave must have a Man Cave Chair.
Okay, I refer you to “The Empire Strikes Back” as justification for this one (it should have been listed as the sixth movie in Man Cave Rule #5). Remember when Princess Leia was sitting in Han Solo’s pilot’s chair on board the Millenium Falcon trying to sort out all of her confused-yet-aroused feelings about him? He had no such confusion, because the Falcon was his Cave, and that was his Chair, and from it he ruled any asteroid field he flew through. Select your Chair with that general thought in mind. It should fit you, it should Help You Run Stuff, and it should allow for quick and easy communication with your Wingman. And if a Girl comes into the Man Cave, and she sits down in your Chair to think about you while you’re gone, trying to sort out her aroused-yet-confused feelings about you, that Chair should communicate what you can’t (either because you aren’t there, or because of excessive application of Rule #5, you haven’t cultivated the ability to talk with people). Your Man Cave Chair should also have a pouch on the side for the TV remote and a back-up remote (then you can set the other remote down wherever without needing to remember where) your Snickers bars, and other Stuff You Don’t Wanna Get Up For. Plus it should have a foot rest. If you want to apply Rule #3 you can build a crate and put a pillow on top of it.
7) The seventh rule of the Man Cave is that Women can come into the Man Cave.
They’re going to anyway, because this is (and should be!) the only way they can obtain insight into the otherwise impenetrable, stalwart embattlement-that-is-you. Be gracious to them. Be suave and smooth. Learn to wink and chuckle. Have a clean glass on hand (store it in your Chair Pouch via Rule #6) and offer her a drink (Rule #4). The Man Cave should make Women feel secure, comfortable, carefree, and doted on (in a Manly way). Otherwise all you’re ever going to have in there are a bunch of Men and a lot of Rule #5. You need balance. But in the balance that springs forth within your Cave, you call the shots.
8 ) The eighth rule of the Man Cave is that it has to have a giant plasma flat screen television.
Without this you can’t apply Rule # 5. And the smaller your television is, the harder it is to hook up your Xbox and have five guys blow things up all at the same time. Ideally your television should be large enough to take up at least an entire wall. It should also have a power source independent from the rest of the house, like a windmill or a solar panel or geothermal electricity. That way oil supply disruptions that arise from political instability in the Middle East won’t interfere with your Xbox time.
9) The ninth rule of the Man Cave is that it needs to hold survival gear and an extra jar of peanut butter.
Because let’s face it, sooner or later a giant asteroid is going to slam into the earth, or Ghawar Field is going to burp up its last barrel, or the giant super volcano under Yellowstone Park is gonna blow, or some new strain of avian or swine flu is going to go airborne. And then the world as we know it is going to end (an event referred to in the Man Cave as TEOTWAWKI). Now thanks to Rule #8 you’ve already got your independent power supply. But do you have food and other stuff? Probably not. Men that think ahead and plan for these things shall inherit what’s left of the Earth. So get ready. You can’t face the explosion of a super volcano without extra peanut butter.
10) The tenth and final rule of the Man Cave is that the Man Cave can’t have more than ten rules.
This rule discourages the invention of more rules, most of which will be stupid and require the input of a bylaws committee, representatives, delegates, motions, nominations, elections, votes, debates, amendments, and a parliamentarian. Referring back to Rule #9, when TEOTWAWKI arrives, what use is there going to be for parliamentarians? As a Man, I rest my case.